But does your beauty bar actually clean me?

Hi there

I rang up the phone number on the side of the product packet -

"Um... about your beauty bar?" I said.  "Does it ...er ... clean me?

"Pardon?"  The woman was perplexed.

"It doesn't say anywhere on the packet that it's actually soap.  I have to know if it will clean me."

"Of course it will clean you."

"It doesn't tell me that.  It tells me it's a beauty cream bar.  It tells me it moisturises.  It tells me it hydrates .  Written on the side are the words 'pain de toilette'-"

Now, aside from 'menu' and 'entree', I don't really know much French;  I don't even want to think about pain, and a toilet, and a beauty bar all in the same breath.

The lady on the end of the line kept insisting my beauty cream bar would, indeed,  shine me up all squeaky-clean.  Apparently, too, I wouldn't even have to sit on the loo to receive the benefits.

I'm still not convinced.  Why would soap manufacturers - "Dove", I'm talking to you - want to dress their product in such an ultra-snobby cloak that buyers haven't a clue what the thing actually is?

I don't want a bar of it-