I rang up the phone number on the side of the product packet -
"Um... about your beauty bar?" I said. "Does it ...er ... clean me?
"Pardon?" The woman was perplexed.
"It doesn't say anywhere on the packet that it's actually soap. I have to know if it will clean me."
"Of course it will clean you."
"It doesn't tell me that. It tells me it's a beauty cream bar. It tells me it moisturises. It tells me it hydrates . Written on the side are the words 'pain de toilette'-"
Now, aside from 'menu' and 'entree', I don't really know much French; I don't even want to think about pain, and a toilet, and a beauty bar all in the same breath.
The lady on the end of the line kept insisting my beauty cream bar would, indeed, shine me up all squeaky-clean. Apparently, too, I wouldn't even have to sit on the loo to receive the benefits.
I'm still not convinced. Why would soap manufacturers - "Dove", I'm talking to you - want to dress their product in such an ultra-snobby cloak that buyers haven't a clue what the thing actually is?
I don't want a bar of it-